Dating Ads Contest
Posted by Meg
Rebecca gets most of the credit for writing this post, but I thought the contest was such a stellar idea, I wanted to run it.
So last year, Peter asked for suggestions for a contest that he could do on the blog. While some people would be content to choose just one of the suggestions, we had to sample some of the other ones; there were so many great ones to choose from. Much like me when I go into a library or a bookstore.
This contest was inspired by Mia. Check out how awesome Mia is here.
The challenge is to write a personal dating ad profile for one of the characters from the Demon Cycle world. It could be like those that you would see in newspapers (like the one in the “If You Like Pina Coladas” song), or it could be like the ones you would see people posting on various dating sites. For example, for Arlen, you might write:
Mysterious, brooding male, early 20s, into tats, horses, moonlight strolls, martial arts, weaponry and travel. Seeks unconventional, outdoorsy female, in touch with her demonic side. (Credit goes to Mia for this one.)
Here are the rules:
1. Come up with a dating profile for any character from Peter’s books. The profile doesn’t have to be in the above format; for instance, you could take the profile questions from Match.com or Okcupid.com and then answer them for the characters.
2. Post the ads in the comment section of this blog post.
3. You may enter as many times as you would like.
4. You have 2 weeks from today to enter. Post your entry before 11:59 PM United States Eastern time on July 27, 2012.
5. Prizes will be Graphic Audio CDs, T-shirts and signed posters.
I’m hoping to see some hilarious entries on some of more obscure characters. (If I don’t see one for Abban I will be sorely disappointed in you all.)
But seriously, have fun kids and good luck.
DsD
big, strong, scary, old demon with one hand. Seeking help in destroying pesky human. Requires another demon, willing to travel wherever pesky human may be and to keep watch for any hole. Will teach survival skills.
If you’re looking for a female companion to cook your food and watch your fire, stop reading here. I’m not interested in you. You are the right one though, if you are not afraid of the night. Hate corelings? Love hunting? Combine both and you’re the man for me. But never ever try to dominate. That’s my part. If you consider yourself to have real strength and yet are gentle as a cat, you’re the one. So if you think you’ve got what it takes, be prepared for the wildest, most passionate companion you can imagine. – Renna
I’m black, hot, masculine and not afraid of the night. Looking for beautiful white mare to scare off some demonbrood at night and whinny around by day. Be my Daylight Dancer.
Dark-haired, blue-eyed attractive young woman with healing skills is looking for the man who can take care of her in a relationship based on equality, respect and honour. I can look after your health and return your love if you are willing. (If you are not but I am, I will anyway.) – Leesha (the way she would put it, if she wasn’t too proud to write such a thing) 🙂
Married merchant seeking extra wife to help around the house. Must have desirable tastes in fashion and a keen eye for colour. Large, child-bearing hips preferred.
Parties unwilling to give sponge baths need not apply.
Always yours, Abban
Seeking small, no nonesense female who can string a bow. Duties will include carrying warded arrows and restocking my quiver.
In return a loving, tender relationship and my eternal devotion.
Wonda.
P.S Fletchers get 5 bonus points. 10 points to people good with dealing with scars.
Big, hulking rock demon with high pain threshold looking for talented warder with durable tools for long, romantic nights of punishment and torture.
Age & gender irrelevant.
A mind is a terrible thing to waste, and that’s why the mind demon will take pleasure in devouring yours. Big in the place where it counts (its head), the mind demon is a great listener. It relishes taking in your deepest, most intimate memories, and the good news is, you don’t even have to talk to it! If this sounds good to you, you can be just a walk in the dark away from being swept off your feet be a demon prince.
Turn-offs include: independence, resistance and Warded Men.
Are you looking for someone HOT! Well look no further, because I am hot hot hot!
I am looking for someone who isn’t shy around the flames, has a hatred towards all things wood (especially wood demons…) and likes group activities.
I enjoy drooling, burning things and eating charred flesh.
Hobbies include long nights bashing my head against wards and spit toss!
My dislikes include wood demons, sunlight and warded anything.
P.S. Must solidify early, I can’t be waiting around all night for slow solidifiers.
Are you destined for something more?
Could you see yourself at my side, ruling both Everam’s Bounty and the Desert Spear?
I, Jayan, the Sharum Ka and first son of the Deliverer, require a beautiful and powerful damaja’ting to be my jiwa ka, my first wife. But if you are only a dama’ting, do not worry; I require many wives. However all applicants must excel at reading dice and desire many sons.
Someone skilled with political intrigue, devious enough to outwit my ambitious brothers and further our own goals is highly desired.
Applicants must also share a strong sense of superiority over khaffit and greenlanders and enjoy long walks through town sneering and threatening them.
Sincerely, Jayan.
Well travelled and easy going jongleur with slight disability and a unique passion for music, looking for a near perfect and impossibly beautiful and talented herb gatherer to tactless and persistently break my heart as she SLEEPS WITH EVERY TWO BIT FREAK WHO FLEXES HIS MUSCLES AND CALLS HIMSELF A CORESPAWN DELIVERER!!! . Ideally will be compassionate and caring to such an extent that SHE TREATS ME LIKE A SODDING CHILD!
If you’re interested you’ll find me sobbing in a lonely black corner of the forest waiting for the demons to put me out of my unloved misery while you fraternise with the man raping and butchering our land.
Mimic Demon looking for originality.
Tall, dark, muscular, and very well travelled amputee Demon seeks Jays ‘Lure’ demon to achieve lifelong passion.
Must be similarly single minded and enjoy hunting and extremely long walks.
Very experienced, mature, maternal and dominating herb gatherer seeks male with a pulse.
Ask for Bruna
Tall, dark skinned Krasian, with bisexual tendancies, and a GOS (good sense of humor)
Looking for like minded brethren, with a hard will to break,
you bring the spear, and i will bring the lube,
Hasik,
Tall dark skinned Krasian, with bisexual tendancies and a GOS (good sense of humor)
looking for like minded brethren, with a strong will to break,
you bring the spear, and i will bring the lube,
Hasik
Looking for a guy full of mystery? Look no further, our nights shall be filled with demons and magic. It is I, none other than the original Deliverer. Heed my holy words and join me for the night. Take joy in the idea that together we may unite the world like never before. There is no time like the present and there is no time for timidity, while uniting the world I may just rock yours. -.0
Sincerely, Your Most Truly Beloved,
~Deliverer~
Looking for the best deals? Look no further, I am a bargain! For the task of profit and pleasure I am quite adept. My know how is second to none. I am seeking extra wives to join me on my travels.
Requirements are as follows.
Must be beautiful.
Smart.
Willing to work all hours of the day in any and up to including all house work oriented tasks.
Must also be willing to work manufacturing and other tasks in multiple fields including carpentry, interior decorating, and spying.
Sincerely,
Abban Humble Servant of your desires.
Seeking the same as I. Abilities for compatibility include successful protection of mastersss. Any ability to transform even more rapidly is a plus. Affinity to flight forms is also a plus. It is my wish to transform your world as you might mine.
Most would call my abilities unoriginal but I am as original as it gets. If like minded or minded at all. Contact me through my master.
~ Mimic (You may call me Mim)
Fully adult night wolf looking to add members to pack. Males welcome if submissive however females are preferred. The larger the better obviously. If interested please howl in my general direction at any point during the night. Preferably in my territory. Smell you later and if female maybe something more.
~ Alpha Nightwolf
Single, white ageing farm owner, with a bad back and grumpy demeaner, 3 children from a previous marriage, 2 grown up and 1 still at home, smokes a pipe from time to time and is a bastard in the bedroom,
seeking…
single white female, with young children, to be welcomed into my household treated like my own,
Harl
boy i feel shitty posting that one
Single, looking for life partner to take me away from here. Would also be a plus if said partner could stick my father in the gut with a pig sticker. Looking for new life and freedom.
~Renna.
Care for music, want to dance the night away?
I am certainly your guy! We will have loads of fun! Most people call me Rojer but you may call me Roj if you like. I will make demons dance to my tune to amuse you. I may be lacking half a hand but I do not lack what it takes in character and would be happy to prove it you over dinner where I will amaze will tales of heroism, tragedy and victory!
You can contact me immediately through the Jongular Guild in Angiers.
~Rojer
miishdle aged man, withs a sfriendly asnd hhhappy pershonaltityty
lookings for a plump and bubly womans,n to kuddle and keep me warm at a nisght time,
must bed good with a washhbasaaan, and musttent be frais of vommmmmit,
Ssstams Tailor
Mare looking for stud. I am afeard of demons so a fearless stud is a plus. I like feeling as if I am same.
I may be located most of the time in Miln.
~ “Neighhh”
-Nighteye
Title – Ragens Noble Steed
AAA Ladies!
Old but well-preserved retired warrior king is looking for a new sweetheart after a thousand divorces.
Must enjoy singing, dancing, conquering unbelievers and long walks under the moonlight with occasional slaughter of unholy wildlife.
Heavenly fun assured.
Sincerely yours,
Kaji of Anoch Sun
P.S. Has anyone found a shiny spear?
I used to sleep with it but now it’s gone…
Really looking for one true love of my life to smother and belittle, but until he comes back to me… You’ll do.
Mery Ronnel
Jiwah-Ka looking for a suitable woman to add to the family. Must be super-hot, but not prettier than me. Must be able to defend yourself, except against me. Must be skilled with Alagai Hora, but be willing to ignore them if I say so.
Greenlander women need not apply.
SWM, looking for young women to core nightly. Must enjoy being unclothed in the outdoors, interested in body modification and group activities with less than savory demonspawn. Hope you bring your own toys, mine have seen heavy use.
Looking for a hot date? Forget it, I’m cool! So cool indeed that I gently freeze your hot flesh with my glittering chrystal body. I am seeking company for lone cold nights waiting for reckless travellers in the Milnese Mountains. Are you in for romantic nights in the snow, either under a beautifull clear starfilled sky or for some wild and untaimed coupleings and battles in a snowstorm? Hear me growl, I’m waiting for you! – snowdemon
PS: Please none of those flamethings, you folks suck!
Looking for a tender, caring hand.
Have been mistreated and abandoned in the past; last life partner was ruthlessly murdered in the night for no apparent reason other than his regrettable failure in the acceptable use of a warding pen. I was neither charged nor even suspect… i swear, it couldn’t have been me!
And possibly his obsession with fondling me, cant really blame him, i am stunning, my body, flawless, smooth curves, sun-kissed tan.
Currently holding a part-time/casual job of transporting; water, feces, and other indigenous human waste. Pays horribly.
Quite obviously, I do carry some emotional baggage, approximately 880ml, give or take a few tears.
However, selling points, in case you had any final doubts. I am literally priceless, for all you money grubbin’ khaffit.
Umm, I choose to listen over talk. I would make an amazing trophy wife/husband, depending on preferences, and our sex life would be entirely in your hands.
Not to mention, I can apparently read, write, and have computer skills unheard of in our era.
Forever at your disposal
-Dravazi Pot
First, I considered it a challenge when Mr. Brett said make him blush so these are not entirely rated G. Second, let me keep my identity for now because *I* am blushing a bit. Third, these are 3 ads for Bruna because you know she’ll cover all bases:
(1) Sing along to the refrain of the Pina Colada Song–
If you like older and wiser, and not fond of them thong
Don’t like bratty young bitches, who just whine all day long
If you can overlook some wrinkles, bit of sagging and gout
I’m the fine wine of ladies, we can go mess about.
*Once you go vintage, you’ll never go schoolage.*
(2) This is the Bruna rap, likely posted on gangstamatch.com (not a real site, I think!). Her street name is Snoop Hag or Notorious B.R.U.
My name is Bruna
Would you like a nooner?
Come on call my number
Please do it sooner
Before I’m a goner.
Spring chicken I’m not
But more mileage I’ve got
Tricks I have a lot
Just give me a shot
Coz I’m hot to trot.
You can call me a hag
Yes, some bits they sag
But I’m up for a shag
And I don’t mean to brag
Bet I can raise your flag.
If you think you’ve got game
And not at all lame
Can handle my fame
Just call my name
You won’t be the same.
*Once you go hag, you’ll never go slag.*
(3) This is more pop/mainstream where she’d post as Lady Bruna, sometimes Lady Brouha–
Tired of dating younger chicks?
Well, that’s good coz I am tired
of the same jerks & pricks
Redhead, bald, brunette or blonde
I don’t care as long as your wand will respond.
I may not be Ms. Tibbet’s Brook
If I was it’s not as if I’d ever
bite on your hook
For now, go turn the lights down low
And you can just imagine that you’re with J-Lo.
Think and don’t just blurt out ‘no’
I was told your last date looked
a little bit like a bro
If you answer my ad dear
I will gladly show you how to use your spear.
What say you, we have a deal?
Every second I am losing
one ounce of sex appeal
The sooner you get off your ass
The quicker we can start your wild & naughty class.
*Once you go classic, you’ll never go basic.*
Interested in someone who can swim the depths with you? Looking to eat some pesky humans like flies?
If any of these subjects DO interest then by all means croak in my general direction!
~Bank/Froggie
Drowning human flies since the last unification.
Married “go getter” seeks more chaos, trouble and headache with another strong willed woman. Respond to Jadirmyspear.manhood.com I enjoy working out, and long walks on the sand.
A few more, this time especially for demons — maybe for eDemony.com, demondate.com or just the local site Thesadate.com
ONE ARM: Single, tall, mature male seeks female to share the moonlight and wander hamlets with. Sunlight disagrees with me but come sundown, it’s party time! To avoid surprise, I must tell you I only have one arm – I was assaulted by a crazy teenager. Kids nowadays! But believe me, my one arm is schooled in the art of pleasure. I can work my one arm better than others work two!
I’m a big guy — buff not fat — and my job keeps me physically fit. Size matters, right? If I may brag a bit, I’m not exaggerating when I say every part of me is rock hard. ROCK HARD. Except but my mushy, teddy bear heart. Big guys get lonely too. I’m a faithful guy — catch my eye and I will follow you to the ends of the earth!
WOOD DEMON: Think of me as Mentos – hard on the outside, soft and mushy inside. Don’t let the armor fool you, it’s a defense mechanism. I’ve been burned before and it’s made me cautious. You may not notice me at first – I tend to blend in. I love nature and enjoy long walks in the forest. I’m a bit of a tree hugger and tree swinger. I’m quite limber which definitely has its benefits, I’m sure you’ll agree. Oh, and they don’t call me Woody for nothing. 😉
MIND DEMON: I’m not much to look at — I’m no Gared Cutter or Ahmann Jardir. Look past the exterior though and you may find yourself drawn to me. Ask me anything — I’ll open my mind to you. If you don’t want to ask me, ask M’ic – my closest friend, bodyguard and shadow.
Let me get to know you. I want your thoughts to be my thoughts, and my thoughts to be yours. No tawdry encounter or one-night stand for this boy. I want to romance your mind, not just your body. If a deep, lasting relationship is what you’re looking for — I’m your man.
[…] have been having too much fun reading the entries to the Dating Ads Contest. The entries are amusing, hilarious and spot on for the characters they are representing. I […]